How to Control Emotions: 6 Steps to Mastering Emotions

Over the past month, I’ve been revisiting one of my favorite books, “Awaken The Giant Within” by Tony Robbins. I vividly recall reading it at 19 during my first visit to Chiang Mai. The book had a significant impact on my life, so I decided it was worth diving into once more. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it—it can profoundly change your life and help you with mastering emotions.

In “Awaken The Giant Within,” Tony Robbins extensively discusses mastering your emotions and presents six steps to achieving emotional mastery. I found this part of the book incredibly valuable and thought it would be beneficial to share on this blog.

Mastering your emotions means mastering your life.

First, recognize that the sole reason anyone takes action is to change how they feel. Whether it’s earning more money, losing weight, or buying new clothes, you’re pursuing these goals for the emotions you believe they will bring. For example, you might think losing weight will boost your confidence, attracting a certain person will make you feel loved, or earning a million dollars will bring happiness.

Many people delay experiencing the emotions they desire, not realizing this truth: you can feel those emotions right now!

The Emotional Triad

Your feelings at any given moment are influenced by three key elements, which Tony Robbins and other psychologists refer to as the “Emotional Triad.”

1) Your Physiology

Every emotion you experience is reflected in your body first. To feel passionate, try speaking quickly, moving with energy, and adopting the body language of passion. Similarly, to boost your confidence, stand tall, maintain a grounded posture, breathe deeply, and speak with volume.

On the other hand, if you’re aiming to feel depressed, you might slump, stare downward, breathe shallowly, frown, and speak softly. The way you use your body directly alters your emotional state through biochemical changes.

A phrase I find beneficial to remember is: Emotion is created by motion.

2) What You Focus On

Your focus plays a crucial role in shaping your emotions. To feel happy, concentrate on aspects of your life that bring you joy. You might ask yourself questions like, “What am I happy about in my life right now?” or recall joyful memories, such as a fun birthday celebration.

Your focus dictates your feelings.

Conversely, to feel depressed, you must shift your focus to the negative, ignoring the positives around you. If you ask, “What really sucks in my life right now,” you’re likely to identify something that makes you feel down. Similarly, recalling a sad memory, like the loss of a pet, can evoke those emotions again.

Remember, what’s wrong is always available, and so is what’s right.

3) Your Language

The words and language patterns you use can significantly influence your emotions. If you frequently say things like, “I feel really tired” or “This is too hard,” you condition yourself to actually feel tired or overwhelmed, which isn’t empowering.

Words carry different emotional associations, and certain phrases can disempower you, affecting your emotional state from moment to moment. Being mindful of your vocabulary, the statements you make, and the metaphors you use is essential for managing your emotional state.

Ultimately, you can choose to feel any emotion by DECIDING to feel it.

Emotions like happiness, depression, anger, and frustration are choices.

No one can make you feel “happy” or “angry”; these feelings arise from how you interpret situations and the meanings you attach to them. This is a key to mastering emotions. More on that later.

4 Ways People Handle Negative Emotions

One intriguing concept in “Awaken The Giant Within” is the four strategies people use to cope with negative emotions.

1) Avoidance

Avoidance involves steering clear of situations that may trigger negative feelings. For instance, individuals may shy away from taking risks or approaching strangers to evade feelings of rejection or failure.

It also includes efforts to suppress negative emotions altogether. Many people resort to self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or food. Others may binge-watch television, browse social media, or engage in various forms of media as a means of self-hypnosis and escape.

2) Denial

Denial involves distancing yourself from negative emotions by telling yourself things like, “It’s not that bad.” The issue with this strategy is that by dismissing the feeling, the emotion often intensifies—it compounds until you can no longer ignore it.

3) Competition

This is when the negative emotion becomes ingrained in your identity, serving as a defining characteristic that makes you feel unique. It manifests in the way you share your experiences with others, often saying things like, “You think you have it rough? Just wait until you hear my story…”

4) Learning and Using

Ultimately, the goal is to LEARN from your negative emotions and find ways to harness them.

The first step in mastering your emotions is recognizing that all emotions have value. Your negative feelings serve as a call to action, referred to as “Action Signals” in Awaken The Giant Within.

When you shift your perspective on negative emotions to view them as “Action Signals,” they transform into your mentors, allies, and coaches—they can guide you. The emotions you are experiencing right now are a gift, a guideline, a support system, or even a prompt to take action.

Your Action Signals indicate that what you’re currently doing isn’t working.

You only experience negative emotions based on how you perceive situations or the methods you employ—particularly how you communicate your needs and desires to others or the actions you take.

As I mentioned earlier regarding the Emotional Triad, your perceptions are shaped by your focus and the meanings you assign to experiences. You can easily alter your perception by changing your physiology or asking better questions, which will shift your focus and subsequently influence how you feel.

Remember this key point: YOU are the source of all your emotions; you are the creator of them.

You can choose to feel however you want at any moment. There’s no special reason needed to feel good; you can decide to feel good right now simply because you’re alive or because you want to.

It’s important to leverage your negative emotions, or Action Signals, to learn from them and ultimately feel how you wish to feel.

The 6 Steps to Mastering Emotions

Here, I will outline the six steps of Emotional Mastery from Awaken The Giant Within.

1) Identify Your True Feelings

When you encounter a negative emotion or Action Signal, ask yourself, “What am I truly feeling in this moment?”

Gain clarity about the emotion by questioning yourself. “Am I feeling angry, or is it something different?”

2) Acknowledge and Appreciate Your Emotions, Recognizing Their Support

Be grateful for the messages your emotions are conveying. Cultivate an attitude of appreciation for all of your feelings, as they are there to assist you.

3) Explore the Message This Emotion Is Presenting

Curiosity helps you take control of your emotions, address the challenge, and prevent similar issues from arising in the future.

Here are some Empowering Questions to uncover the positive meaning behind any negative emotion or situation:

a) What else could this represent?
b) What can I learn from this?
c) How do I want to feel?
d) What would I need to believe to feel that way right now?
e) What am I willing to do about it in this moment?

4) Build Your Confidence

The quickest, simplest, and most effective way to manage any emotion is to recall a time when you felt something similar and recognize that you successfully navigated it before.

If you managed it in the past, you can certainly manage it again today.

Ask yourself, “What strategies did I use back then to cope with this emotion?”

By applying the same techniques, you can expect similar outcomes.

5) Be Certain You Can Manage This Emotion Today and in the Future

Reflect again on how you’ve dealt with this negative emotion in the past, and prepare yourself for future situations where this Action Signal might arise.

Consider, “What are 3-4 ways I could adjust my perception when an Action Signal appears?”

Here are a few suggestions:

To shift your perspective, ask questions like, “What else could this signify?” or “What’s positive about this situation?”

Another valuable question is, “What can I do right now to feel the way I want?”

Initially, your mind may respond with, “NOTHING!” However, if you persist and keep asking, you will discover an answer.

6) Cultivate Excitement and Take Action

The final step is to feel excited by your ability to effectively manage this emotion and take immediate action to demonstrate that you can do so.

The ideal time to address an emotion is when you first begin to feel it!

You want to confront the problem while it’s still manageable.

Mastering your emotions requires practice. The more you apply these six steps of emotional mastery, the better you’ll become at managing your feelings.

10 Action Signals

As I have highlighted in this blog post, Tony Robbins refers to negative emotions as “Action Signals,” which means that each negative emotion carries a message or a call to action. The goal is to identify that message, learn from it, and use our emotions for personal growth.

Here are the 10 Action Signals outlined in Awaken The Giant Within:

1) Discomfort

Also described as boredom, impatience, unease, distress, or mild embarrassment.

Message: Discomfort is a sign that your subconscious is encouraging you to strive for more. It indicates that you need to either adjust your perception or modify your actions.

Solution:
a) Utilize the Emotional Triad to shift your state.
b) Clarify what you truly want.
c) Refine your actions by trying a different approach to see if you can immediately shift your feelings about the situation or improve your results.

2) Fear

Also interpreted as mild concern, intense worry, anxiety, fright, or terror.

Message: Fear signals the need to prepare for an impending event, providing you with energy to get ready.

Solution:
a) Assess what you’re fearful about and determine what mental preparations you need to make. Identify actionable steps to handle the situation effectively.
b) To counter fear, choose to have faith, acknowledging that you’ve done all you can to prepare and that most fears rarely materialize.

3) Hurt

This includes feelings of loss or unmet expectations.

Message: You may be facing unmet expectations or a loss of intimacy or trust, which reflects your capacity to care deeply.

Solution:
a) Recognize that you may not have lost anything significant. Perhaps you should reconsider the perception that someone intends to harm you.
b) Re-evaluate the situation to determine if there’s really a loss, or if your judgment is premature or overly harsh.
c) Communicate your feelings of loss to the person involved. For example, you might say, “When x-y-z happened, I interpreted it as a sign that you didn’t care, and I felt a sense of loss. Can you clarify for me what really took place?”

4) Anger

Also known as resentment, fury, rage, or irritation.

Message: Anger often arises when someone violates a personal rule or standard. This is beneficial as it ignites the passion needed to rectify the situation.

Solution:
a) Recognize that you might have misinterpreted the situation; the person may not realize the importance of your standards.
b) Consider that your rules may not necessarily be “right.”
c) Ask empowering questions: “In the long run, does this person truly care about me?” “What can I learn from this?” “How can I effectively communicate my standards to help this person understand and avoid violating them in the future?”

5) Frustration

Message: Frustration indicates that your mind believes you could be performing better. While a solution is within reach, your current approach isn’t working, and you need to adapt.

Solution:
a) Embrace frustration as a friend. Brainstorm new strategies to achieve your desired outcome.
b) Seek input on how to handle the situation, perhaps from a role model who has successfully achieved what you want.
c) Cultivate a fascination with what you can learn to address this challenge not only today but in the future.

6) Disappointment

Also described as feeling let down, sad, or defeated.

Message: A cherished expectation may not be realized, signaling a need to adjust your expectations and set new, achievable goals.

Solution:
a) Immediately identify what you can learn from this situation to help you achieve your original goal.
b) Establish a new, inspiring goal that you can pursue right away.
c) Recognize that you may be judging the situation too harshly; often, challenges are temporary. Remember, “God’s delays are not God’s denials.”
d) Understand that the situation is not over yet and develop patience. Reassess your goals and create a more effective plan.
e) Foster a positive expectation for the future, regardless of past events.

7) Guilt

Also referred to as remorse or regret.

Message: Guilt indicates that you’ve breached one of your highest standards and must take immediate action to avoid repeating this violation. This is constructive as it serves as your moral compass.

Solution:
a) Acknowledge that you’ve compromised a key personal standard.
b) Commit to ensuring that this behavior doesn’t recur in the future.
c) Visualize how you could handle the same situation differently to align with your highest standards, using guilt as motivation for improvement.

8) Inadequacy

Also referred to as feelings of unworthiness, this emotion arises when we believe we cannot accomplish something we feel we should be able to do.

Message: Feelings of inadequacy indicate that you currently lack the skills needed for the task at hand. You may need more information, understanding, strategies, tools, or confidence. This is a positive sign, as it encourages you to learn, grow, and contribute to others.

Solution:
a) Ask yourself, “Is this emotion truly valid for my current situation?” and “Am I genuinely inadequate, or should I shift my perspective?” If the answer is yes, focus on finding ways to improve your performance.
b) Embrace the motivation to enhance your skills. Remember, perfection isn’t necessary; you can start to feel adequate by committing to ongoing improvement.
c) Seek a role model or mentor for guidance.

9) Overload or Overwhelm

Also known as grief, depression, or helplessness.

Message: It’s time to reassess your priorities in the situation. You may be grappling with unrealistic expectations by trying to manage too many things at once or expecting significant changes overnight. Grief can surface when you feel there’s a lack of empowering meaning, or when external factors negatively impact your life.

Solution:
a) Identify the most critical aspect to focus on.
b) List everything important and prioritize it.
c) Start with the top item on your list and continue to take action until you master it.
d) Concentrate on what you can control and recognize that there must be an empowering meaning behind the situation.

10) Loneliness

Also described as feeling isolated, apart, or disconnected.

Message: This feeling indicates a need for connection with others. It’s an affirmation of your capacity to care for people.

Solution:
a) Understand that you can reach out to someone immediately to alleviate your loneliness—there are caring individuals all around you.
b) Clarify what type of connection you’re seeking.
c) Remind yourself that feeling lonely reflects your desire to be with others, prompting you to identify what kind of connection you need right now and to take immediate action to achieve it.
d) Reach out and make that connection.

There you have it—the 10 Action Signals, along with their messages and solutions for mastering your emotions.

The quality of your life is determined by the emotions you consistently experience.

One of the reasons I wanted to create this comprehensive blog post is to provide a reference that reminds me that every emotion serves a purpose, carries a message, and that it’s up to me to shift either my perception or my actions.

I hope you find this helpful—use it as a resource for mastering your emotions. With consistent practice and a commitment to reframing your situation or actions, I believe we can achieve a state of Mastering Emotions.

If want to further explore how to master your emotions and achieve Emotional Mastery, I highly recommend Tony Robbins’ book Awaken The Giant Within.

It’s truly one of my favorite books of all time and will guide you in taking immediate control of your mental, emotional, physical, and financial destiny. This book has the potential to transform your life.

I plan to write an in-depth review of it in the future and will likely reference concepts from Tony Robbins and his other programs on this blog.